Sheepish Sky sweep Shearer's past aside

There will be an eerie silence when Gary Lineker next invites ‘expert’ analysis from the Match of the Day couch. Viewers would usually ready themselves for a cliché splurge from the BBC’s preacher of the bleeding obvious, Alan Shearer, but these insights will now be confined to the walls of St James’ Park, now that the former England striker has been appointed Newcastle manager.

This appointment seems familiar. In January 2008, Kevin Keegan was heralded as Newcastle’s ‘favourite son’, ready to restore the club to its rightful place... twelfth place in the Premier League. King Kev’s tenure, however, lasted only eight months and sparked a period of disorder and drama turbulent enough to make Jacqui Smith wince.

Having gambled and failed with a fans’ choice, club owner Mike Ashley called on Joe Kinnear and Chris Hughton before buckling once again to supporter pressure. Inevitably, Shearer has already been lauded by the Toon Army faithful as the ‘messiah’ required to save them from relegation.

With the news coming too late on Tuesday evening for the majority of newspapers, it was left to Sky Sports News to expand on the hilarity at St James’ Park.

As well as its usual bombast, how the rolling news channel really entertained was by maintaining its tradition of pretending that anything happening away from their cameras does not exist.

Formula 1, the Six Nations and autumn international rugby union are a rarity – they are sports events not covered by Sky. Therefore, it seems rational to Murdoch’s minions to view these as pure fiction and, consequently, afford them no recognition.

When looking at a chronology of Shearer’s career, the presenters became noticeably quiet as they discussed his activity after retiring. Having read one disgruntled fan’s email demanding Shearer to “go back to the screens”, the anchors mumbled inaudibly before moving swiftly on to their next Sky Sports News ‘exclusive’.

An unsuspecting first-time viewer of sports broadcasting may have wandered why such sheepish behaviour surrounded the mention of a player’s relation to television. What could these people be hiding? I’d imagine a discussion between the channel’s researchers and producers sounding a little like this:

Researcher: “At least we won’t see Shearer on Match of the Day anymore.”
Producer: “What’s that?”
R: “You know, the Premier League highlights package.”
P: “You mean Football First?”
R: “No, Match of the Day – it’s on a Saturday night on the BBC.”
P: “On the what?”

In such moods, tuning into Sky Sports News is like watching a broadcasting corporation collectively stuffing its ears with its fingers and repeating like an unrepentant schoolchild, “lalalalalalala!”

Somebody, somewhere at the BBC must be delighted. Match of the Day may now even produce a soundbite containing a semblance, however small, of interest. That is, of course, if the programme even exists.

Shattered Myths and Silenced Pundits

Having overcome a tenacious Turkish effort to progress to the final of Euro 2008, Germany’s pulsating 3-2 success belied the sombre mood in the Match of the Day studio, which suggested the win was a dull miscarriage of justice. “Lucky, lucky Germany?” Gary Lineker lazily asked a typically uninspiring Alan Shearer, whose response was myopic and cliché-ridden, “Aye, they’re a very average side... at the end of the day, they’ve just done enough.”

At times, Shearer contradicted himself as he confused the tired, now unfounded, notion that German success is traditionally a product of “good, solid organisation” at the back, with his belief that this current crop were a “very poor” defensive outfit. Yet, despite the evident difference between the two thoughts, the former beneficiary of defensive mishaps seemed to believe that this ‘shambles’ of a team was actually a perfect example of a structured German fluke. Undermined by his own paradoxical analysis, Shearer was seemingly blind to see that, despite their defensive misgivings, Germany had stormed to victory in a five-goal thriller for the second time in a week.

Clearly rattled by the early Turkish onslaught, it was a joy to see Germany respond with a fine counter-attacking goal, almost a carbon copy of their clinical opener against Portugal. As Bastian Schweinsteiger deftly turned the ball beyond Rustu’s grasp, here were the “average” side shattering their dour reputation with some über-thrilling football. Furthermore, Philipp Lahm’s excellent late strike, just one of this tournament’s many memorable German goals, gave the match a fittingly explosive climax.

Bold and direct, Turkey gave their illustrious opponents a thorough, sometimes torrid, examination. Colin Kazim-Richards (whose full name, the BBC would have you believe, is ‘Colin Kazim-Richards-Formerly-of-Bury-Brighton-and-Sheffield-United’) was a particular thorn in Germany’s side. The forward’s incessantly-mentioned English background is just one example of the shameless way in which the BBC’s patronising coverage hasn’t allowed a single match to pass without a British reference.

Whether it has been “Kuyt of Liverpool” giving Holland the lead against France, or “Andreas ‘The Austrian David Beckham’ Ivanschitz” spraying the ball profligately, John Motson has found countless opportunities to yelp with delight about this competition’s increasingly tenuous connections to Dear Old Blighty. Did you, by any chance, know that Italian midfielder Simone Perrotta was born in Ashton-under-Lyne, the very same birthplace as Geoff Hurst? Yes we did, John – you told us four minutes ago.

The verve of Turkey’s performance should not diminish the excellence of Germany’s march to the final. Vivacious in their dispatching of Poland and driven as they prospered in a tense encounter with arch-rivals Austria, their progress in the group stages was both entertaining and testament to their unyielding passion. Moreover, their high-octane 3-2 victory over Portugal was the pick of the quarter-finals, and their semi-final triumph of the same score line demonstrated how the Germans have produced some of Euro 2008’s most exhilarating moments.

Firing them forward has been the front four of Podolski, Ballack, Schweinsteiger and Klose, the attacking nucleus of an enterprising side. Boasting nine goals between them, the quartet have combined to devastating effect, with Ballack, in particular, imperiously dictating proceedings. The 2006 World Cup laid a foundation for such entertainment, as Jurgen Klinsmann’s semi-finalists notched eleven goals in their first four matches. At the time of writing, only Spain have scored more goals (11 to their 10) during this tournament, which offers further evidence to disprove the stale concept that Germany can only grind out narrow wins, dependant on their so-called miserly and rigid defence.

Contrary to popular (or punditry) belief, such exciting talent is neither new nor revelatory for a country that has produced some of the game’s most mesmerising stars, like Günter Netzer and Bernd Schuster. If only to silence dubiously tanned doubters, come Sunday evening, this year’s vintage can hopefully serve up another spectacle and join the illustrious line of German greats.